While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
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sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
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Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize