If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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