why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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