My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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