onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize