Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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