I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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