You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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