i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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