She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
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Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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