but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
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Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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