Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
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There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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