Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
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There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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