today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
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Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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