I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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