I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
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There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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