just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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