I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
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I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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