I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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