My liver just broke up with me...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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