everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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