I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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