hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
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This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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