I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
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If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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