Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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