he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
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and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
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We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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