well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
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My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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