pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
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Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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