Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
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Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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