I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
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I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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