Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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