he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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