so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
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Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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