so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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