I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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