Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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