tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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