Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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