I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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