I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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