did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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