you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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