Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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