You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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