Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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