rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
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Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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