At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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