Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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