You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
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we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize