Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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